There’s a big chunk of alone time coming up.
You feel stressed. Anxious.
The truth is, you would rather skip taking annual leave and work instead.
You know this isn't healthy. Only that - the very thought of having all this empty time and space with your partner is causing you to recoil.
You know they expect sex and you just don’t want to.
It’s not that you don’t love your partner. You do.
But sex right now is your pain point and you don’t want to feel pain when you're meant to be offline. Relaxed. Connected.
How can you feel connected when you don’t feel like you are open to sex and intimacy?
*Cue hiding, excuse making and potential sabotaging of plans*
When sex isn’t happening at home during regular life, you wonder - how's it magically going to happen when you are away?
Well, sometimes it does.
Women who say no to sex in everyday life can suddenly open up when they go on holidays.
They feel relaxed. Maybe they have a few drinks and close the mental door on all the stressors back home.
But what about when you don't suddenly open up to sex on holidays?
You still say yes to going away but secretly dread it for one big reason.
You know that your partner expects sex and that you don’t have the usual excuses to get out of it.
What should you do?
You should…
Follow this guide to feel more open about sex and intimacy on holidays and mini-breaks.
When you anchor in you feel less anxious and more open to intimacy
1) Anchor in and ground
Do whatever you can to anchor into the space or location that you're in. If possible, before you arrive at your hotel, grab a coffee or a bite to eat at one of the local shops.
Why? It's an early action that says ‘this is where I am’. Breathe. Orientate yourself.
Allow yourself to wade into the waters of being away. If you're the anxious type, going straight to the hotel room isn't going to work. It will have you feeling the pressure to connect and be sexual. It's too much too soon.
Anxiety and shut down respond well to feeling secure and like it has landed in somewhere. This approach also weaves in the feminine way - our energy moves from the outside to the inside. Get comfortable with what's around you first and you'll be more comfortable on the inside. Sex is very much an inside job.
Anxiety despises being in limbo and untethered. Orientate yourself in a small way when you land and say: home life is back at home and now I'm on holidays.
2) Have sexual contact of some sort on the first day or night – as early as possible.
Recently we went away for a wedding and only had mere hours before the ceremony. I knew it was going to be a long night. I also knew that sober sex at 1230am was not going to happen. (Sober sex is the new slightly drunken sex).
Once I felt safe and anchored into the room, I initiated. We had limited time and I know limited time increases my motivation. I set an intention - sexual expression is an important ingredient in connection. This also kept me anchored. I knew what my priorities were.
When I set an intention, I ensure sex happens and then we aren’t trying to make it happen later at a less optimal time. Much like home, holidays are full of excuses not to like: we are too busy/tired/full of food.
But that doesn't cut it for me.
Early sexual contact also reduces negative anticipation for sex. Negative anticipation only gets worse as time goes on. Instead of enjoying yourself, you're creating more anxiety and mental distractions.
You need an early ice-breaker so that you don’t start to shut down and get bitter and distant. Your partner needs it so they don't feel rejected or gets needy in a way you don’t respond to.
Not that you are responsible for your partner's sexual pleasure.
But you are responsible for making an effort to prioritise your sexual relationship.
Permission time - the first "sex" you have doesn’t have to be intercourse, penetration or oral sex.
It could be:
you receiving a slightly erotic or risqué massage from your partner or
you both agreeing to have a shower together and washing each other down sensually.
having a kiss and a cuddle in the pool or spa together with a bit of dry humping (or wet humping?)
The point is to have an interaction that shows that you care about your intimate life together. This is a small gesture that wades you into the waters of being sexual. When you're anxious, it makes intimacy more appealing when intercourse feels scary.
I've said it before:
“When it comes to intimacy - it’s all about doing something rather than nothing at all.”
3) Set up some verbal expectations for sex and sexual contact on your holiday.
If you know that it's unrealistic for sex to happen every day, establish early on what you are willing to say yes to.
The earlier you have this conversation, the better. Let your partner know you'll connect with as much quality as you can but there could be moments or days where sex won't happen.
When it comes to sexual frequency, you might also need to factor in your menstrual cycle and where it is at.
Taking expectations off the table at the beginning of your holiday reduces the likelihood of conflict. Clear lines of communication help you to break the cycle of them pestering you and you rejecting them.
You can feel free with sex holidays - if you follow these simple guidelines
4) Keep the connection going on the holiday or mini-break in other ways.
Dance together at the wedding. Put down your phones. Browse the stores together.
Go on the ATV tour and white water raft or bush walk together.
Doing something active and novel is great for getting your body moving. When you do something new together, you feel present and engaged. It also increases your feel-good neurotransmitters and hormones. If you keep that up, what-do-you-know you're mimicking what happens in sex. Cool, right?
5) Drop the expectations of your sex being any different to what it is at home.
A new location and some more active conversation could spark a fire in your belly but that might not necessarily mean that you feel like your full-blown wild woman will emerge in the bedroom (if she does…bonus!).
New places can work as permission granters to cross new boundaries but the odds are - wherever you go, there you are.
Your sexuality (including your blocks, inhibitions and hang-ups) get carried around with you.
It's OK if all that feels possible is the same type of sex that you have back at home.
Remember, one of your options is to use your new location to your advantage. Take away a book about sex (like mine - Permission) and read up on what you can do to liberate your sexuality. Books are a wonderful way to open your mind to the possibilities of a sex life that's different to the one you have right now.
Even if you tried only one new thing on your holiday, you'll recall it better than doing nothing at all. Not only that, you'll associate your holiday with dropping inhibition and opening up.
Troubleshooting – I just don’t want to do it and I’m sabotaging intimacy so they don’t even try and start sex. Help!
My advice - take a breather. Pause right now.
How has this played out in the past?
Think back to some of the fights and conflicts that ensued. How enjoyable was your precious time away when you were in shut down?
Could you really enjoy anything else when you had the shits or were giving them the silent treatment?
You can only be responsible for how you act on your end. Make steps towards softening and warming toward your partner. From this moment on, create the holiday that you want.
Help the bond with the small gestures, like a gift, kind words or quality time together outside of sex first.
Be honest with yourself that you are sabotaging and it isn’t solving anything. From that moment on, it may take a day or two to feel open to sexual expression but know that everything that else that you do will help you to get there.
Lots of little 1% improvements total a 100% improvement in time.
If all else fails, it's time to address the bigger problems that exist within your relationship and sex life. Talk to your partner about getting help from a professional when you return home.
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Sex on holidays can recharge a couples almost dead sexual battery so they come home renewed.
Sex on annual leave can be the opening that you need to keep the good feelings flowing.
Sex away from home can create the relaxation you need for conception to happen.
I hope that your break allows you to step into the next chapter of owning what you are bringing to the table.
What I really want you to know is that you don’t have to live with sexual blocks and they don’t have to follow you on holidays.
Lauren xo