I’ve just navigated one of the most triggering weeks of my life…and one of the most sublime.
Are both possible?
Definitely.
You can hold both of these dualities and more.
I can hold both of these dualities and more.
In the midst of the week where I finally started treatment for hyperthyroidism, I also received my neuro-cognitive assessment back from the psychologist - anyone who has done this knows you have to bring up the past…those big T and little t traumas that shape part of what make you and your mind - you.
But that’s not actually the triggering part.
This week, someone I trusted in my personal life crossed a boundary. A big one that you can't recover or repair from.
The incident isn’t what I want to focus on.
What I do want to share is that I navigated it completely like a human and completely like an expert.
Because - both.
And at the same time, I was cracked open to experience some high voltage glimmers - moments of the sublime. The deep connection that came from sharing this sh*t-show of a moment in private and the fact that I was still fully available for opportunity to flow in. Not only that, I felt the excitement of that opportunity.
Only because I did certain things a certain way.
And weirdly, the convergence of all this stuff this week made one particular patterning of mine so crystal clear that I know that THIS is my time to address it. For me first and inevitably, every heart I touch.
This week triggered me and my stuff HARD.
And despite what you think you see in the hall of mirrors that is social media, pitch-perfect sales emails & polished websites, WE ALL HAVE STUFF (especially the people you think of as perfect - IYKYK).
The truth is, we will get tested in this life. Challenged. Fuxked over. Triggered.
The question is: how can we experience choice in that undesirable aspect of reality?
Some answers to that is what I want to share with you in this blog.
If it liberates me, it liberates you and that…that is the point.
Here’s what I did and didn’t do to navigate a triggering week…
I let myself be in dorsal vagal response (freeze). This is a natural response to an event that’s created shock and I didn’t resist it. In some ways, I just flopped. There is no such thing as a “bad” nervous system response. This is what felt true for me given the incident had me spinning 360 degrees on what I thought was a safe connection.
By Friday last week, I lay on the couch at 1030am and fell asleep and it was bliss. It pressed another reset button.
Even though I went into freeze, it didn’t feel like shut down. I think that’s important to differentiate. I was still open in my spirit even when my body kind of stopped and in my experience, shut down is symbolised by a shut down of the body, emotions AND voice. I worked with shut down a lot as a sx therapist and I curbed the closing off of my throat. I haven't defaulted to that for years so it was affirming to notice the progress.
I let myself feel sad. I let myself feel annoyed. I let myself feel pissed off. I let myself pre-grieve the loss that is inevitable from this event signifying the end of this relationship and all the ways I benefited from it.
I let myself spend a lot of time of my phone without berating myself. That time was a mixture of texting supportive people, time on socials, writing using my notes app, being on phone calls to my sisters… I just let myself do it because it actually felt supportive of what I was experiencing.
I still did my regular movement and practices when I could. I skipped swimming last week but that’s OK. I always come back to it. I trust that. I'm all for hall passes and I know that movement is medicine for me so this week, it's back on.
I worked in the form of writing. As fate would have it, it was my sessions off week with clients (My calendar is mostly one week on, one week off direct client contact). I still worked on my biz when I wanted to because I love what I do. Writing has always been cathartic and therapeutic and when I wanted to pop my head up out of freeze response, I wrote and tapped out something that I knew would be helpful to someone out there.
I laughed. Where I could. At the pugs. At one of my favourite comedy TV shows. At my daughters dancing in front of the mirror. At Ed. I laughed enough to break the ice and remember my aliveness for a minute.
I still allowed myself to feel joy. I still felt the excitement of an opportunity arising in my work. I could still FEEL this immense sense of hope because I was so deeply supported and I knew that this crack will be inevitably filled with gold. This has been my lived experience and the way I want life to unfold. I don’t want life to be dependent on everything to always be amazing to feel amazing. It’s unrealistic.
I reverse engineer it – I allow things to FEEL amazing and that’s what has life being amazing.
I also didn’t want all the Power to be locked within the incident. I wanted the Power to be with me and within me, not in that.
I didn’t create a story about what this meant. In the heat of the moment, my mind wanted to throw up a story of: See! THIS is why you can’t have/do this with X type of person. I told you! AND as soon as that sentence finished, I replied: No. Not true. I refused to let this incident create a narrative that was going to prevent other forms of connection, intimacy and support.
When something sh*t happens, it’s easy for our brain to default to “evidence” that makes for a truth. I truly didn’t want that to happen so I challenged it. That “truth” was never going to get me closer to the life and opportunity that I’m available for.
I didn’t drink alcohol. I honestly wanted to for a few minutes on the first evening after the event but because we don’t keep alcohol at home, it meant I had to go out and get it. This is a great protective factor because I couldn’t be bothered and it felt like an old version of me would do this to cope and manage. I have no curiosity about what happens next because I already know.
I was also mindful of alcohol keeping me stuck in my response. As a toxin, it would have provided some temporary relief but prohibited from me being able to process and release. Substances have a tendency to lock big T and little t traumas in a vault where they play out on a loop (some of you might know I worked in an opiate replacement service for 10 years and witnessed this first hand with our clients).
I decided not to drink this past week and it was a really smart decision. By the time I had one drink at the end of the unforgettable, highly successful book launch for Dr Peta Wright’s Healing Pelvic Pain, it was celebratory and if I’m going to drink, that’s really the only good reason to drink (Hyperthyroidism and drinking are highly incompatible so I really don’t drink much these days).
I let myself be supported by a professional. Our regular couples session was on last week and Ed and I agreed, it would be most beneficial if I went alone to discuss the boundary violation. Because our counsellor is an expert in consent, trauma, polyvagal theory and somatic processing, we knew that me being able to focus on processing the events of the week would be most beneficial. That session - the embodiment process combined with the unwavering support of someone who has known me and my story for years – that effectively activated me to change course in the most empowering way. I have words and I don’t have words.
All I can say is: the blend of talk and somatic work is the crème de la crème and I love living and working in this community. For me, this is the only way our nervous systems, bodily satisfaction, inner success and interpersonal relationships can change, evolve and thrive in highly desired states of being.
It’s in these interactions that we can live and lead from the Power of our Libido.
What I hope you take away from this…
The key concept I hope you take away is choice.
The choice to respond in myriad ways, not just default to a limiting response.
The choice to feel multiple, often conflicting feelings and states of being.
The choice to still feel what is joyful and pleasurable in the midst of a painful episode.
The choice to reach out and receive expert support when the Mask of Independence tells you to go it alone.
The choice to collapse without judgment or making it mean something about you.
The choice to still be in your body when an event wants to take you out.
The choice to experience a trigger without it creating an unwanted story.
The choice to still show up and shine for what matters to you because you let yourself properly and effectively go through the sh*t. Both.
The choice to be, feel and experience yourself as powerful – even when you’re at a low point.
The choice to make excellent decisions for yourself even when the circumstances that present themselves are confusing AF.
The choice to know that your little girl inside can co-exist with the woman that you are and the woman that you want to be. Both.
When you know who you are, what you value, how your patterning works and what you can do when you desire to operate from a different place to that patterning – well, you have all the Power.
No one can take anything you don’t want them to take from you when you decide to be in this state.
But I won’t ever simplify it down to a decision. I recognise a lot of us, myself included, had these vital decision making abilities thwarted from a young age.
Really, it’s a decision to be willing to venture into the parts of yourself that feel like they are playing on autopilot and aren’t really moving the needle for you.
I'll repeat that: It’s a decision to be willing. Let’s be honest – in hard times you don’t necessarily want to but that’s not the part I want you to focus on or the actual question.
The question always has and always will be: are you willing?
Are you willing to be sufficiently supported?
Are you willing to be seen?
Are you willing to have more flow in your life because you navigate your triggers in bold, efficient and dare I say, satisfying ways?
Are you willing to be the circuit breaker and pattern disruptor not only for you but every life you touch?
Are you willing to change course from finding it easy to over-invest in your business but act tight about investing in yourself and your operating system? (which is what determines your business success or lack thereof)
And are you willing to explore what it’s like to live and lead from the Power of your Libido, which is so much more than what you *think* happens in the bedroom?
Are you willing?
You can’t prevent the sh*t times and you can’t control how it all plays out but you do have a choice in how you respond.
If you're willing and you know I'm the expert guide for you to navigate the most private aspects of your professional and private identity, take the first step to becoming powerful.
Lauren xo