I’ve heard a thousand cries of: why didn’t we learn all this in school?!? Why am I only finding all of this out at 28…34…45 years old?!?
I’m with you on that one.
I wish we could give all of what we share as sex therapists to adolescents to prepare them for what comes in relationships but there is a benefit to not always knowing ALL the information.
It helps you to work out what it is you need to learn and what it is you’re good on.
You’re also more like to do something about what isn’t working for you when it’s causing you pain or discomfort.
Sad fact, I know.
Now that you’re here reading this, I know you’re going to be most receptive to what I have to say about the mistakes that you’re making in sex and intimacy.
And, full disclosure, I’ve made all the mistakes I’m about to mention.
You can’t change anything without awareness and you can’t correct a mistake you don’t realise you’re making.
But there’s hope. These mistakes you’re making are all totally fixable.
Watch or read the rest - the blog has more detail than the video!
What do I need to do to have better sex life?
Mistake #1 - You’re not setting an intention
OK – so you want to be able to initiate sex or reciprocate when your partner moves towards you.
STOP. Before you act, drop into what your intention is for taking that action.
Not your goal or what the end game is…what is it you want to feel? What do you want to create? What’s a silent wish you want to put out there but not be attached to? (‘cos expectations lead to disappointment).
Setting an intention changes everything. It allows you to tap into feelings and sensations over thoughts and what you think should happen in the bedroom.
It also takes the focus off of worrying about how your partner is or isn’t seeing you and how you look.
To set an intention, take a deep belly breath. Exhale. Do it again. Consider what your reason is for initiating or responding to intimacy. This isn’t about what you think your partner wants to get out of it. This is about what you want to feel.
One of the ways I tap into an intention with sex and self-pleasure is to say:
I’m taking this step forward to invest in my intimate life…
I’m curious about exploring this part of myself…
I’m eager to channel this feeling I want to feel…
That way, whenever you get stuck, lost or check-out in sex, you have something to come back to. Your intention is your anchor. And it’s just for you.
Mistake #2 - You’re blindly wishing for spontaneity
Most of my clients are planners and like a plan. They like and appreciate having a sense of assurance for what is coming next. Did I mention they like a plan?
Are you the same? Do surprises make you a little nervous?
Loving a plan is an admirable trait. I’m a planner and like to know what’s coming up in the calendar and what I need to anticipate.
What constantly makes me giggle though is when planners want sex and desire to be more spontaneous… Like, none of the rest of life is spontaneous but we want desire to wash over us like it does in the movies.
Now, dig deep. Do you reaalllly want sex to be more spontaneous? Or is it what you think you should want? The more romantic version of sex.
Let me ask, how are you currently responding when the idea of sex is suddenly sprung upon you? Are you eager? Excited?
Or filled with dread?
Now, before you go whipping out the calendar to schedule in perfunctory sex, I think there’s another way to build a bridge to becoming more spontaneous.
First, I’m going to ask you to notice how you are spontaneous in your life outside of sex – do you like making plans last minute? Are you positive and receptive when someone asks if you want to go somewhere different to eat to where you usually go?
If you want intimacy to be spontaneous and to be open to it being spontaneous, then my best advice is to use your non-sexual life to practice being spontaneous.
Where are you resistant? Why are you resistant? Does it make you feel out of control?
Something I touch on in my first book Permission is permission to be in control. I share the idea of regaining control first and having a sense of mastery and contribution so that you then feel more comfortable being spontaneous and surrendering.
Moving from shut-down, avoidance and not feeling sex and pleasure isn’t going happen by being surprised and trying to be spontaneous. That gap is really big and it’s going to make you feel not enough – which isn’t the truth but it’s what you’re probably going to feel when it doesn’t work for you.
We respond best to spontaneity when we aren’t stressed. Think about how spontaneous you are after a massage or a few drinks (or choose another drug of choice). When our nervous system removes worry and increases presence and enjoyment, we’re better able to say ‘yes!’ to a new opportunity that comes our way.
By the way, I believe you can do all this without drugs and alcohol. I’ve mentioned it as a way of helping you to relate to the feeling of being carefree and spontaneous.
Being spontaneous is all about having a good toolkit and being able to bring yourself down. Which brings me to my next point…
Mistake #3 - You’re not coming down
Women – you’re stressed, anxious, depressed and depleted. None of these states is compatible for you to feel sexual arousal in your body. You have to help your nervous system come into a better state before intimacy starts or your sex will be stressed, anxious, depressed and depleted. These states make us feel worried and checked out and when we feel that way, we feel even more frustrated and separated from our presence in sex.
My biggest tip is you need to learn how to come into your body and activate your turn on and to navigate those states when you’re in a non-sexual situation. When you get a handle on that, you’re much better positioned to help yourself become the heroine you are in the bedroom.
Something that isn’t common knowledge is that you need to take action through your body before your mind is “ready”. Too often, women are waiting for permission or a cue to say – and NOW you don’t have to worry or stress anymore. Needless to say, a lot of us are holding our breath waiting for that permission and our libidos are suffering.
Stop flailing about wasting time, money and connection making these 7 mistakes.
Mistake #4 – You’re DIY’ing everything in your sex life
Someone once said to me: you’re throwing spaghetti at the wall and hoping it sticks. Yikes. I was busted. Now, although this wasn’t said in relation to my sex life, it was true. In my work, I was just throwing things out there hoping that something would stick.
I didn’t have personal support or expertise so I had no idea where my blind spots were - hence the term blind spots. I was scatty and surprise, surprise, nothing was sticking to that wall, even though I willed it to.
When I finally enlisted some 1.1 support, I stopped REACTING to everything and started being RESPONSIVE. The outcomes from that hard work and being vulnerable?
I have consistency and peace of mind. I’m in control and I know what each situation needs to be managed rather than me throwing all my energy at something (or conversely, going into shut-down/avoidance mode).
Think about your own sex and intimate life – are you being reactive? Are you just trying to please your partner in the moment even though it’s doing nothing for you?
Or are you going into shut down again and again because your tool-kit has no solutions to offer you?
Maybe you’ve already tried by whipping out the credit card.
Like that time you splurged on all those pleasure objects or sex toys hoping that they’d get your blood (and the novelty factor) flowing again? Open the drawer - can you swipe your finger over them and see the dust gathering?
Constantly DIY’ing your sex and intimate life is costing you. It’s costing you connection, money, time and libidinous energy that could be a lot clearer and used wisely rather than flailing it all over the place.
You wouldn’t build a house without plans so why are you building your relationship without plans or expert support?
There are pieces of wisdom to meet you at every level of your questioning and your willingness to invest – books, courses, events and private sessions. There’s no excuse to keep DIY’ing – your sex and intimate life isn’t fixed by a trip to Bunnings so stop treating it that way.
Mistake #5 – You have an un-erotic life
Sex feels weird when it’s propositioned when your life is un-erotic. It’s as though this foreign concept that hasn’t been seen, felt or spoken of for days, weeks or months is just thrown up in your face and your mind and body are like: what is this strangeness?
You need to choose to expose yourself to eroticism to help your sex and intimate life. It doesn’t exist in isolation. Little bits of data gather up over time to give you permission to be sexual and to help you feel like sex is natural, which of course it is.
The more exposure, the easier it is to say yes to being sexual. So, what’s an erotic life look like?
An erotic life is:
+conversations about sex with your friends, partner or sex therapist (seriously – the amount of orgasms that happen after the first session with me is astounding. That sounded weird but you know what I mean)
+watching films and shows that have erotic undertones and scenes
+dancing in a way that feels tantalising, teasing or seductive – and you can be on your own.
+being in your nudity in a way that’s comfortable and at ease.
+appreciating colours, flavours, nature, laughter, scents, words, art and just generally everything that symbolises living – real living, not plastic, people pleasing living.
Making your life erotic is up to you. Those things I just mentioned? Most of them are free or low cost. There’s no excuses. Even libraries stock books about sex – I’ve accessed heaps of them and sometimes I’ve gone on to purchase them to keep them in my collection.
Choose to have little reminders around about your true nature and openness to the topic of sex, even if it feels daunting. One of my clients said recently, just borrowing my copy of Pussy: A reclamation helped her feel totally different about the word pussy and the concepts in the book.
Exposure works. So, expose yourself. (You get what I mean).
Mistake #6 – You want your partner to be a mind reader
But they should just know what to do and what you like. Right?
Wrong. Your partner should not just know what to do. Staying in that loop is like taking the beautiful gift that is your pleasure, putting a bow on it and handing it over to another person to keep.
It’s sweet that you want to give this gift to someone else but your pleasure is actually a gift only for you that you allow other people access to.
For as long as you don’t own your pleasure, your sex life will always centre the other person’s pleasure. If you’re hanging out to feel bitterness, resentment and disconnection, that’s one sure way of feeling those things.
Learning about and owning your pleasure is also a key way to break the cycle of wanting to be rescued.
Being rescued isn’t sexy. It’s a tactic that’s necessary for survival mode, not your bedroom. Sex needs to be completely separated from survival mode in every possible way.
Place your hands on your heart and pledge to learn about your own pleasure.
That you’ll…
…stop handling it over for someone else to work out.
…touch yourself with the sole intention of exploring pleasure.
…let your partner know what they could do a little differently so you can access your pleasure
The only time is now. Not in weeks, months or years. If you leave it, you’ll have more to un-do and more numbness to sift through.
Your pleasure awaits.
Mistake #7 - You keep going on holidays to mask the real problem
You work hard. You need time away where you’re not caught in the daily grind. A reset button to come back to what’s important.
You get there and you get sweaty and nervous knowing sex is expected.
You avoid it. Make excuses. Suddenly what was meant to be a relaxing holiday is now a stressful marathon you’re trying to sprint though. How long can you get away with not being intimate?
The idea of a holiday bringing you closer is a tempting one. It can work. But it’s a gamble. Inevitably, problems do follow you. Or your problems wait dormant until you get back.
Instead of going on a holiday to get short-term connected, try a different approach to keep you long-term connected.
When you do the work and introspection first, then you can go on a holiday and really enjoy yourself. Until you stop DIY’ing it, you’re going to face the same problems again and again.
Work with me and try out your new skills and approaches in your everyday life. Then, when you go away, you’re even more relaxed, more receptive and more spontaneous.
There’s no stress that follows you because you have a plan as to how intimacy can flow into your time away. My 1.1 clients have had sessions in the past that help them to be more of an active participant in being intimate when they’re away rather than just hoping it all goes well. I mention some of these in my 5 ways to have sex on holidays blog.
And the outcome? They have enjoyed their holiday a whole lot more. They have reduced the negative anticipation and opened themselves up to a whole lot more connection.
If your relationship has problems and you believe it can last the long haul, do the work first and then in 3-6 months, take all your learnings for a test run on a holiday.
It’s time to quit the Band-Aid approaches that delay the inevitable stress and conflict and time to start approaching your intimate life for what it is – a vital part of your relationship that needs TLC, effort and repair.
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Are you ready?
Are you ready to stop making these mistakes and start fully feeling your sex and intimate life in all of its possibility.
Good.
And if reading these words on a phone or computer isn’t enough and you need accountability to stop sabotaging your personal life then it’s time for us to work together. Secure your Connection Call here to find out for yourself exactly what that looks and feels like.
Lauren xo