Want to finally claim your womanhood?
Then you need to step into deeper connections with other women.
That’s it. That’s all you need to do.
After listening to women’s stories and confessions over the last 8 years, I gotta say...there are a lot of you out there that could do with some better friendships.
Or at least A singular, quality friendship.
I’ve seen too many women trying to live like men when their connection to other women is so wounded that they’ve given up. And yes, there’s a lot of brutality out there when it comes to women’s fraught relationships with one another.
I’m going to step into the role of town crier right now with a big flipping bell and say: HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
All those dynamics have got to change.
Competition and comparisonitis are dead. Done. (We’ll get to that later).
What’s in and here to stay is reverence. Understanding. Compassion. Listening. Intuiting. Softening. Re-enforcing.
Women mirroring each other in our essence without becoming a cardboard cut-out of one another is the new way.
I know you want this.
Problem is, it’s never going to magically come to you.
You have to step forward to meet and co-create it.
If you want better friendships, relationships and connections with other women, you need to start doing these 5 things…
Read (or watch) the rest…
#1 Swap boundary violations for boundary honouring
When a woman sets boundaries with you - thank her instead of scorning her. Whenever I’ve been in desperation or a state of immaturity and a woman has set a boundary with me - energetic, monetary, time constrained - I’ll admit, I’ve let it cut me deep.
That’s my primal brain going into immobilise mode. Like an impala in a lions mouth, I’ve gone limp.
Then, in a moment where magic meets maturity, I wake up and shake off the fear and helplessness. They’ve shown me something I need to learn and it registers.
If they had succumbed to my request, there would be no learning. They would have shown me that you let your lines in the sand slip out of niceness.
Terrible word: nice.
All those women setting boundaries were being kind to me. They role modelled how to preserve and amplify your mojo on your own terms without bending for validation and acceptance.
And now, being on the receiving end of private requests to do and answer problems with no monetary exchange - of course I want to help AND I can’t help (no but’s).
As an empath driven to serve, I’ve let myself be burnt. I decided I can no longer ignore 20 years of investment so that someone can get a quick hit of it with zero acknowledgment of my expertise.
I’ve finally worked out more sustainable ways of serving - where I show you how to be in your soft power by being in mine – online and in person. It feels so much more generous than the old way of letting my talented tendrils go everywhere.
I have women to thank for showing me that this is possible. And necessary.
When a woman sets a boundary with you, thank her. She’s shown you another way that you need to integrate into your own life. I love how we do that for each other.
#2 Swap tend and befriend (aka fear) for calm connection
If you’ve ever wanted to belong somewhere, there's a good chance you've defaulted to the tend and befriend fear response. I witness women in tend and befriend in person and online on a daily basis. I'll be the first to admit, I’ve done and do it when my defences are low. When I'm feeling fragile.
Tend and befriend is where we act overly nice *cringe* and placate other people to ensure their comfort before our own so that we get approval. So that we belong.
It’s people pleasing with a grave cost.
We morph and mould, say 23 sorry’s, ask: does that make sense? approximately 17 times and don’t correct someone when they mispronounce our name or call us lovely, even though we despise it.
The cost of tend and befriend is that we’re incongruent; we lose touch with our values, our authenticity and our capacity to be felt by other women. The mask is ON and it isn’t coming off.
If you’ve ever stopped and wondered what your preferences, likes and desires are, only to come up with next to nadda, you’ve probably put your own comfort last. Repeatedly. I want you to know you don’t have to do full voltage tend and befriend anymore.
It’s a gateway to martyr mode and she isn’t all that great. Or sexy.
The women that you want in your life won’t play games with you. They also don’t want to be on the receiving end of your game with you wondering the whole time: am I enough? Do I have the seal from her to prove I belong?
They can’t be friends with you and worry about you at the same time. They need to feel assured that they can share and connect with you without stressing about how you feel. They can't get caught up in how you're interpreting or misinterpreting every little thing that they're saying.
You're ripe to quit tend and befriend. Bring your nervous system down and be yourself. Own your stuff. Give yourself permission (and while you're at it, get yourself Permission).
You gotta stop blocking yourself from deep connection with other women. Start by opening your eyes to the dynamics you need to break up with so you can get on with high quality friendships.
#3 Swap personalising everything for de-personalising until you know better
Our friendships with other women are not all about you or all about me.
Here's a story for you.
Earlier this year, I went into full-on contraction.
One day, I went to belatedly respond to my friends DM after she told me she’d been sick with THE virus. I read her message and replied to her countless times…in my head.
When I went to open Insta and actually reply, I couldn’t find her. She had vanished without a trace.
This surge went through my body, my pelvis was flighty and untethered and my stomach tried to compact in on itself. I had to remind myself to breathe.
All I could think was: she’s blocked me. She was hurting, confided in me and I forgot to respond. My head was on a loop of: fuck fuck fuck.
When Ed said he couldn’t find her either I started to relax only a little - maybe she’s closed her Insta profile?
I eventually got in touch with her on another platform and she was like: oh yeah, I just closed it down to get a break from it.
A simple explanation, right? A simple explanation that had nothing to do with me.
But look at where my head and body WENT. Everything immediately went to this place of fear and personalisation. The armour went up so quickly I couldn’t even think of a rational alternative like: she just needed a break. (So obvious now).
It showed me two things: First, I get very protective of my friendships and honouring them and how I *think* I’m perceived in them.
Secondly, I’ve STILL got work to do around tempering my primal brain fear responses. That one was WAAAAY over the top and in the shadows of centring myself without any other facts or information.
In the midst of uncertainty, I had to tell myself if she didn’t want to be friends with me and if she did block me, I’d be OK. I’d live.
Friendships are rich terrain to explore our shadows and fears and authenticity. I know I’m not alone in what happened to me that day.
Unless you're a unicorn, you’ve had shaky experiences in your friendships too. As much as it might hurt, we have to use these dynamics to become more dynamic.
When you're tempted to take it all personally, take a step back. Ask if the problem could only be with you...or if it could be something else that has nothing to do with you.
Unless you've had a disagreement - chances are, it's not. about. you.
#4 Swap competition and comparisonitis for celebration of you first, then her
You know – she’s really so much better than you. I mean, deep down. She really deserves it all so much more than you.
When she gains. You lose.
Those are the rules of the world. She gains. You lose.
(And repeat).
This shitty story is blocking you from having healthier and juicier connections with women.
I'm here to take you out of the pity party for a moment.
Let’s walk over to the mirror together and take a really good, long look.
A look at you, not her.
I'm standing there behind you, holding your shoulders and saying:
There’s no such thing as her winning and you losing.
There’s no such thing as her gaining and you getting left behind.
I swear to you – I’m not preaching some hippy shit. It’s pure truth.
Liberation comes when we stop putting ourselves side by side with other women and whipping out a blackboard with a tally on it.
How the fuck will that bring us closer together?
How on earth can we bond and connect when we’re using mathematical measurements of our worth and success?
When you keep your eyes in your own lane and focus on your own ambitions and own measures of success, you free yourself from the shackles of constantly trying to recreate her wins.
Which will never work for you to taste self-fulfilment, self-intimacy and self-actualisation.
If you stay in that mode, you’re always going to feel like you’re losing and never whole.
You’ll never be winning at your own game – you’ll only be in jealousy and envy mode lusting after someone else’s goals.
Staying in your own lane and competing with you and only you is the antidote.
Although, competing isn't the right word. Just, keep doing better and growing and showing yourself what you're made of. That’s all you need to do.
When you de-personalise other women’s goals and wins, you're equipped to fully step forward and celebrate her.
She will feel your full support and, you know what? She’s worthy of that full support ‘cos she’s probably done something challenging to get a win in her life.
One day, when you’ve had a win, you’ll want her to step forward and hold you in that celebration too.
In this dynamic, no one ever loses.
#5 Swap expecting all friendships will last forever for being OK with the fact they might not
The truth is, there are women who will only love you for a certain phase of your life or when you fit into a particular ideal that they hold.
I’ve grappled with this one this year.
I get sad at how each new chapter can signify that one woman or some women aren’t walking alongside me for the next bit.
Being in transition and significant personal growth, I knew this would happen. Knowing doesn’t make it hurt any less.
The growth has to grow though. I couldn't stay as is for the benefit of other women.
And it made me think. Of the cost of keeping myself in a box.
I wish I could convey to you how much energy I’ve spent trying to make women COMFORTABLE over the years – it’s cringe-worthy how much tend and befriend I defaulted to.
I was trying to placate them or ensure their safety while my own heart was beating like a drum saying: their comfort is making you fucking uncomfortable!
You'd think there'd be an end point to all this.
The discomfort doesn’t end when you start to live in alignment - it takes on another form and this is what my power centre is negotiating every day now. I remind myself that not every woman is coming along for the ride, even though I’m ushering her to get on board.
You know what though? That’s what I actually want, is for her to make her own choice.
Other women’s resistance has the power to stagnate my growth and pleasure. And visa versa.
Still hurts though. Still hurts.
Not every friend or woman was going to come along for this next phase in my life or yours.
You’re safe in yourself. I’m safe in myself even when there’s a ripple.
My best advice - feel the rejection and use it as redirection.
Lauren xo