When women talk to me for the first time in a sex therapy session, they often say: “I’ve shut down in sex and I don’t know why. I used to enjoy it in the beginning. Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner but I don’t get why I don’t want to do IT anymore”

It begs the question: Why do women shut down in sex?

Read the rest or watch the following 2 short videos to get the answers.

What happens when we shut down in our sexual and intimate life?

Shutting down is a coping mechanism when the stress of a situation is too much for our nervous system to handle. Shut down is an old survival tactic. If we don’t move, speak or bring attention to ourselves then the threat to our safety will pass.

Problem is, our old primal brain that activates shut down doesn’t know the difference between:

A sabre-toothed tiger is coming to attack me

and

My partner initiated sex and I don’t want to do it

When women shut down about sex or within sex, they are going into self-protection mode. They are going into self-protection mode because they feel vulnerable or exposed. Being sexual has become a negative or painful situation that she needs to avoid.

It’s important to know we go into avoidance of intimacy when we don’t feel safe. The old primal brain is always looking for safety and up to 70% of women need a sense of safety so that we can feel sexual.

So, to move out of shut down and become sexual, we need to feel safe first.

What does shut down look like?

On the outside, shut down looks like:

• curling yourself up in a ball or staying so still that it looks like you’re not breathing. This is the primal brain fear response of ‘freeze’. Lots of women hope that if they look asleep in bed their partner won’t tap them on the shoulder to have sex with them.
  

• not being able to speak. When you are in shut down, you very become mute or say very few words. Your throat feels like it is in lockdown. All you know is you need to be quiet and even when asked the questions you want to hear, you struggle to get the words out.

• avoiding intimacy in all its expressions. You are doing this so that your partner doesn't think that it is a green light or opening to have sex. You avoid touch, affection, quality time and even go to bed early in the hope that your partner doesn’t ask you to have sex.
  

• making up excuses to not have sex
  

What does shut down feel like?

On the inside, shut down can feel like:

• numbness, which is actually a sensation

• anxiety that fuels avoidance

• seething hot anger

Yes, you can be in shut down and be vocal, expressive and angry. In my experience, women are more likely to go into silence than yell or scream.

When you love someone, you aren’t doing these things or acting this way to hurt them.

You are doing these things because you’re hurt and you don't have the skills or words to help you get out of shut down.

We go into shut down when we are protecting ourselves from being “threatened”. In a loving relationship, you protect yourself from the "threat" of sex so that you don't get "hurt" by being vulnerable, exposed and out of control. For reasons I'll address soon, it doesn’t feel safe for you to be these things.

The worst part of shut down is the hopelessness that causes our mind to think: what's the point?

When you believe shut down is forever, or that things are always going to be this way, you create a vicious circle.

The belief that shut down is forever creates more fear, avoidance and yup, more shut down.

Why do I shut down in sex?

Your shut down could be coming from:

· a place of trauma (sexual or otherwise) in your past

· ongoing conflict in your current relationship

· a complicated pregnancy and/or birth and postpartum recovery

· infidelity and lingering trust issues

· ongoing mental health issues and medications suppressing libido and desire

· acute or chronic health issues/diagnoses

· your experience of pain or discomfort with sex

This is not an exhaustive list for why you may be feeling shut down about sex. It could be one or all of these factors.

Often, when a woman shuts down sexually, it is because she has shut down emotionally.

When my clients describe shut down, what she's saying is that she has shut down to giving and receiving. She's lost her libido for life. Everything in the relationship is negative and stress levels are high.

We emotionally shut down in marriage and relationships when our needs aren’t met. There has been communication breakdown or conflict about values.

Here's some hope.

Shut down isn't forever. Shut down tells me that the current relationship dynamics aren't sustainable. We need to find an opening and it's only then that you can...open.

So, let’s talk about what you can do right now.

The first thing you need to start opening is a desire for shut down to change.

Don't get caught up with how overwhelming your goal feels or how far you feel from where you want to be. This is a call to presence.

All you and I have power over is the present moment.

I love that because it means that we can't be in anticipation or anxiety about the future. That's empowering. And like any good goal or ambition, we need to break it down to smaller pieces. Here are 3 ways to do that.

How do I stop shutting down in sex?

#1 Move out of shut down with safety

Do you feel safe in your relationship?

Is there respect and trust there?

If yes, do you feel safe in yourself?

What I mean is: do you trust that you when you open that you can hold yourself and be vulnerable?

Your vulnerability is revealing your truest self. Allowing them to see your body. Sharing your true feelings and desires about sex and intimacy.

Are you OK with having your partner see you in your vulnerability? Even if that answer feels like a no, I still ask that you keep reading to see if we can find an entry point.

Take the deepest breath you can right now down into your belly to reach into your womb and pussy. The breath is your best ally. The best thing about this breath is that you use it as a way of feeling safe. I promise, you'll use it again and again and again, even when you get more comfortable in sex. Breath work doesn’t have an expiry date.

Moving out of shut down is also about starting with what isn't working for you. Then, you can work out what you're aligned with.

#2 Move out of shut down with alignment

Realising that you are in shut down and feeling frustrated about it means that you are out of alignment.

Being out of alignment is GOOD because it makes you search for an opening or an antidote.

Now, I have a short cut for tapping into the power of alignment by working out what your preferences are.

Start by thinking of all the things about sex you don’t like.

I know this seems backwards but you’ve got to go through the low light reel and list them out.

When we own what doesn’t work for us, we can then move into the zone of problem solving. You'll know when alignment happens because you'll feel everything click into place.

Below are some common sex and intimacy dislikes that women get stuck on. They are common and completely relatable.

• feeling irritated when you're touched/groped/grabbed and are doing something completely non-sexual.

• feeling annoyed when sex is initiated with certain words or with a particular type of touch

• feeling tight and in pain with penetration most of the time. Thinking of the pain makes it more painful

• being quiet in sex and completely in your head

• feeling used in some of the sexual positions and in some acts of sex
  

• being pressured to be something/someone that I am not during sex
  

• believing you don’t have a libido and I am never interested so you don’t initiate
  

Now that your complaints, concerns and hung-ups are out there, it’s time for the twist.

What you usually want is the opposite of what you are experiencing.

That might sound obvious but until you explore what it is you don’t like about sex can you answer what it is that you like about sex. One informs the other.

The shut down libido that is seeking liberation needs to start with what isn’t working. Then it can move closer to what has the green light to go.

All you need to do is fantasise about the opposite of what doesn’t work. Resist the temptation to stay in the zone of the things you don’t like about sex. Doing that will keep you separated from ownership and will breed inaction instead.

Know that when you own your sex problems, you also own the antidote.

When you activate the antidote, you give yourself permission to live in alignment.

#3 Move out of shut down with touch

What I recommend to my clients is that we start with openings in the non-sexual realm. I teach them all about the different types of touch and we identity what types aren't helpful right now. This happens because they are mimicking what isn't working or hasn't worked so far.

We are then left with touch approaches that are affectionate and healing in nature. We rebuild the foundation of the relationship moving from stress and avoidance to safety, intimacy and trust.

You can't rush this part. In fact, taking your time will get you to where you want to be faster.

Above all, you need to feel safe that these attempts at touch are not expected to lead to sex. They need to stand-alone.

It could be that you receive a simple foot massage or that you give a simple neck and shoulders massage.

It could be that you approach your partner for a kiss and a cuddle. You need to feel safe by knowing that you are taking the lead with this one.

It could start with more gentle touch and acknowledgment. Like when you first see each other at the end of the day or being more playful when you are both in the car.

The most important part is you need to feel safe that these attempts at touch are not expected to lead to sex.

The cycle of feeling pressured to move out of shut down and this creating more shut down needs to break.

You will never move out of shut down when you pressure yourself to move out of shut down.

So, take your time. Find safety, alignment and non-sexual touch so you can start to open.

///

I get that shut down is frustrating. But could you put a twist on it?

I have come to respect shut down and anxiety so much for showing us how much of a priority we are to ourselves.

Could you start to see shut down as ‘self-protection’?

Could you start to see it as ‘I'm frozen for all these reasons but now I am ready to defrost'?

And there is so much power in that statement alone: I am ready to defrost.

Lauren xo

P.S. If this blog has stirred up a call to action for your sexual shut down and you know that this is also creating a bottleneck in your business then it’s time to secure your Connection Call. You will be seen. You will be heard. You will be supported.