So many women have said to me that they don’t care that there isn’t much in it for them when it comes to sex.

She sits before me and tells me that she's accepted sexual frustration as the status quo.

The norm.

Sex gets the ‘well, what can you do about it?’ shoulder shrug.

Whether she knows it or not, she is a sexually dissatisfied woman.

Read or watch the rest here: (I always recommend both!)

Wait, What is a sexually dissatisfied woman?

You're a sexually dissatisfied woman when you don't experience sex as enjoyable, engaging, pleasurable or a turn on. Over time, you want sex less and less. Dissatisfaction happens when you want sex to be different but it doesn't happen. You then feel frustrated that you'll never feel satiated.

Frustration is the key feeling here. It's what makes the gap between where you are and where you want to be more painful. If you didn’t feel frustration about a crappy sex life, you wouldn’t be dissatisfied.

Sometimes the sexually dissatisfied woman thinks it’s because of what her partner does or doesn’t do in the bedroom.

(It could be)

Sometimes she thinks it’s because she isn’t sexual enough.

(It's never this)

Sometimes she thinks it’s because they aren’t going well together as a couple.

(It could very well be this)

What doesn't help dissatisfaction is approaching your sex life the same way again and again, hoping to get a different outcome.

I’m not dissing hope here – it’s a key ingredient to behaviour change. Yet hope without action becomes kind of hopeless. And dissatisfaction runs close behind hopeless.

There is something in the sexually dissatisfied woman that knows that sex and intimacy could be different. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be coming to see me as a private client.

When you're dissatisfied, it’s easy to act like you don’t care and that everything is “fine”. Fine is the most passive aggressive word in the English language.

But rather than pretend you don’t care about what happens in the bedroom – let’s shine the spotlight on the deepest truth of them all:

Women care. So much.

You care. So much.

Otherwise you wouldn’t be here reading this.

Now that you know that you do care about what happens in the bedroom, what I want to know is:

Are you willing to change your story from being sexually dissatisfied to being sexually satisfied?

Excellent. Let’s do exactly that.

But before we do, you need to know what happens when a woman isn’t sexually satisfied.

What happens when a woman is not sexually satisfied?

When a woman is not sexually satisfied, she may become angry and bitter. How this anger and bitterness gets expressed depends on how she has expressed fear, worry and rage in the past.

Some women:

• are vocal about what isn’t working and why they're dissatisfied

• will say nothing – the silent treatment – and are so hurt that they want you to feel it

• will distract themselves with other tasks and obligations in life to stay busy

One thing is certain:

Women who do not allow themselves to express their sexual energy or orgasm have a choice to use that energy in two different ways.

At best, they become creative. At worst, they become destructive.

The best outcome possible is that you find your satisfaction AND become even more creative because of it. Win. Win.

Signs you are not satisfied sexually as a woman

If you are not sexually satisfied, you might:

• say ‘don’t worry about me’ in the bedroom. You say this when you're dissatisfied and you haven’t worked out what will be satisfying. It takes the attention and pressure off of you.

• not feel like sex – ever. If sex was satisfying, you’d go back to sex and self-pleasure again and again at least a couple of times per month.

• reminisce about past lovers and partners and compare them to your current partner.

• look for sexual connections with other people – online and in person.

• avoid sex and talking about sex with your partner.

• increase self-pleasure as a sole substitute for partner sex

• feel so frustrated that you've moved into apathy - not only with sex, but connection, affection and other forms of intimacy.

What you can do if you are sexually dissatisfied

When you're dissatisfied, you can't leave it that way. It's a wake up call to take an active approach to sexual satisfaction. But we’re not going to start in the bedroom. We’re going to start in your head.

Answer this:

Sexual satisfaction to me is _______________________

First of all, what is your definition of sexual satisfaction?

You see, your partners definition and version of sexual satisfaction might look, sound and feel very different to your own.

And that's OK. You are not the same person as your partner (thank God!)

Take a moment to breathe, drop the notion of what you “should” say sexual satisfaction is and ask yourself:

How will I know I am sexually satisfied?

What will I feel on the inside?

What will I look like on the outside?

If you need some prompts, your sexual satisfaction inventory might look like and sound like this:

I know I am sexually satisfied when I am acknowledged in sex. My pleasure and enjoyment are an important part of what happens.

I know I am sexually satisfied because if I caught myself in a mirror with my soft bod’, cheeky grin and flushed cheeks, I would see an empowered woman.

I know I am sexually satisfied because I am full. Satiated. At peace. I want for nothing.

I know I am satisfied because we were both involved in sex. It wasn’t a one-way interaction.

I know I am satisfied because at the end, instead of feeling bitter and used, we shared an experience. There was intimacy.

All this is important because you need to own what makes you feel good. Pleasure is the foundation of your sex life. If your foundation is rocky then you won’t be well equipped to communicate what it is you want. Only then can you get closer to satisfaction.

How to work out what you like in sex

It’s time for a brainstorm - minus the butchers paper (unless of course that helps you feel satisfied!)

What happens within sex that helps you get closer to sexual satisfaction?

Is it:

• Receiving oral sex

• Doing some breath-work together

• Receiving a whole body massage with oil

• Taking the time to chat/dance/connect before sex starts

• Being taken by your partner. Surrender is satisfying.

• Guiding your partners hand to show how you like to receive touch

• Taking the lead in sex

• Making love slowly

• Fucking quickly

• Using the sexual positions where you are most comfortable

• Giving oral sex

• Incorporating a sex toy or pleasure object (I love the Ohnut!)

• Using role-play or outfits

• Hearing that you are hot. Incredible. Beautiful. Sexy.

• Having other parts of your body touched – not only your erogenous zones

• Including scents, drinks, food, music and other sensations

Explore. Play. Not much satisfaction happens when boredom is the main adjective for your sex life.

How to tell your partner you’re not sexually satisfied

Getting specific about what will help you to feel sexually satisfied is key. Clear communication curbs miscommunication that creates frustration, awkwardness and avoidance.

A big problem in bedrooms around the world happens when eager partners ask: what do you want? What do you like? Only to get shrugged shoulders and the words: I don’t know.

We bind ourselves when this happens and I want you to know, it is so possible for you to be unbound.

You need to speak to the dissatisfaction to release the charge and take the power back.

If you need some time to work everything out, can you say to your partner: I know you're frustrated with our sex life. I am too. I am trying to work out what will help me to feel good so that we can both feel satisfied.

This style of communication is a bridge. It's effective because you are making a pledge of sorts by acknowledging what isn’t working. You are then following up by saying that you want things to be different.

It takes guts to be vulnerable in this way but it beats the alternative. You've already tried doing what you've always done. You don't want to keep getting what you always got.

It’s normal to still feel anger, bitterness or resentment for your partner who seems to have their sexual satisfaction on tap.

My advice is to not keep feeding the thoughts that focus on ‘what they have that you don’t have’ or ‘how easy it is for them but how hard it is for you’.

These mindsets will keep you stuck and will feed the frustration gap.

Stay focused on how you want things to change for you so that you are both satisfied.

When you are sexually empowered, there's far less focus on the anger and bitterness. When you are in your power, you don't feel like you are falling short anymore.

When I stopped relying on my husband to work out my sexual satisfaction, I liberated myself.
When I took my sexual expression into my own hands, I empowered myself.

I solved the mystery for myself, by myself (with a little help from sex therapy).

There was no more miscommunication. Best of all, there was no more passive waiting for this magical day when everything would work. I made the magic happen.

And now I want the same for you. No more living in the land of dissatisfaction saying, ‘don’t worry about me’ in the bedroom.

Because you do worry. And you do care. So don't pretend like you don't care.

Your sexual satisfaction awaits.

Lauren xo

P.S. It is your time to alchemise frustration to satisfaction. If it’s happening in the bedroom, it’s also happening in your business and leadership. Secure your Connection Call here to finally address THE THING you can’t think your way through.